Ok…so I’m up at 5am and wondering about my life and all that has gone on in my short, but definitely packed, 39 years! It’s a little stormy outside and I’m feeling pensive! (Not to mention I still have a headache and had a stomach ache for the last 2 days! Oh well! I just had a banana so this weird feeling should wear off soon!) 

Anyway…I’m scheduled to leave for CA next Friday and I’m feeling all of these emotions…wondering about my kiddos, Scott’s health, you name it! (Can’t sleep needless to say!) How do you pick up where you left off? Can you ever go back again? Do you want to? What am I going to find upon my return…do I really want to know? How will I see everyone and myself as well? My brain is so running crazy right now!

I’m not sure anyone will ever really understand me! The life I lead with Scott is so hard to explain to people who don’t share in it’s similarities! There are definite positives and of course some negatives too…but I feel like we have done so much more in our short 16 years together (20 if you count before we were married) than most people do in their entire lifetimes! I mean really! But there is only one of my friends who can really understand all of the struggles and sacrifice because her husband in the same position.

And I must say it’s been difficult. Not having anyone to share all of this with…especially since the move it has been really hard. I am such a social person and now I find myself in the position of (again) being the shoulders that other people seem to lean on and confide in but not befriend? Go freaking figure!? Let me explain…often times I have felt like people needed me…to confide in or be their shoulder…and that’s the type of friend I am…loyal (I think to a fault) and always there for people. It’s funny how that has happened here without me even trying…people I don’t even know seem to talk to me. On two totally separate occasions I have gone out to breakfast with people and had them spend the entire time (several hours I might add) talking about themselves and not once really asking about me or my life at all! Hmm! Odd you think! Yeah…me too! Maybe I should have been a shrink! Ha! 

I lend my time to the school…to other people…to my family…now my in-laws since they moved here…and I’m wondering what I’m getting out of this! Not that you always need to get something in return…but I’m having to try and fill my own cup that is just empty! And it’s been difficult…and often a little lonely! I am told to find something I want to do and the friends will follow…but I feel frazzled and stretched and like I have no time to keep up with things much to say the least find something that I want to do and actually find the time to do it! Good luck! I guess that’s another way of making excuses…it gets me off the hook from actually trying something new. I have gotten so bad at scheduling my time that I feel like I will never get myself back again! And that just makes me sad! I feel like I need to slap or pinch myself to “wake up” but I’m not sure that will help! 

I know all of this sounds depressing and I’m sorry…but sometimes you just need to put it out there to get it out of your own head! So there…hopefully my brain is empty enough that I can get 30 minutes of sleep before my alarm goes off and the day actually starts! 

Good Morning All!