So I’m driving home with a pizza for dinner tonight and I look up at the moon and I start crying! Why you ask…well I have some theories…many too emotional to want to share here…but suffice to say the last 18 months have been the hardest financial and emotional time of my life! Nothing seems to make much sense anymore…from the economy to how fast my boys are growing up to where I want to live…life just seems so up in the air. I long for 5 little minutes of peace in this insane time…but it is nowhere to be found. I find darkness, despair, discouragement, loneliness and many other things…hope seems to elude me as well…one minute I have it and the next it is gone. And I feel like I truly missed First Grade for my boys. Things on the adult front have been so busy crazy and insane that I feel like First Grade came and went and now I have Second Graders and I’m wondering where the time really did go! Struggle as I might to make sense of this crazy life I see that I am now 40 and working on the “prime” years of my life…soon I will be on the downhill grade and my kids will be coming into their own…has it all been enjoyed? Have I wanted to many things, have I enjoyed my kids enough, have I done enough? What exactly is enough? Do you know I am a published author? Yeah…I figured no one knew. I walked 60 miles for breast cancer research. I have been to London and Paris. I took a company public and took another one through a major acquisition. I have written countless press releases and news articles making everyone else sound good. I make teddy bears and actually sold them on eBay! I have two beautiful healthy boys who are 7 years old. I have traveled for business and traveled for pleasure. I have spent time with family and missed them dearly. A life with no regrets is what someone once said to me…that’s how they live. How can you live with no regrets I ask myself…is this person better at living than I am or just makes decisions and doesn’t care about the outcome? I have a difficult time making decisions and am always afraid I’m making the wrong one. Deathly afraid. I long to be more like my husband who is following his dreams…sometimes with a devil-may-care attitude but he is doing it…and I feel like I have missed some things in my life by trying to always figure out the “safe path” and the “path of least resistance”! I feel like I have been too cautious and not taken enough risks…but then I look at the last 18 months and think…I have risked everything (absolutely everything) believing in his dreams and his work…isn’t that something? Right now nothing gives me more happiness than being a mom…doing fun things with my boys and enjoying time with them…fun projects, day trips and travel, playdates and park time…it’s the absolute best part of being a mom. Three years ago I lived just north of Los Angeles in a sleepy little town that was full of families and I met my girlfriend and her son in Malibu at the nicest park…we had so many special playdates at that park…and I find myself longing for those days…when school didn’t exist and our boys were really little and we pushed strollers and worried about simple things like snack foods and pull ups. Today I live in TN and my boys are embarking on Second Grade in the Fall with all that entails…and I sit here contemplating my life and wondering with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart…where the time went!? Where did my little life go? Was that a life? Was it what I wanted? Was it what I or my kids needed? Did it make us happy as a family? More importantly…am I always going to feel like the rug could be pulled out from under me at any given moment? Am I ever going to feel settled? Where is home? Some people say home is where your family is…others say home is where your heart us…another one I heard is that home is not where you live, but where you come alive! It’s time for sleep now and maybe I’ll be dreaming of the beach again or maybe I will figure all of this crazy life out in my dreams and I can wake up tomorrow knowing what is the next move…or maybe just maybe I will wake up with a renewed sense of purpose and feel truly hopeful in life again…either way the sun will rise tomorrow and all of humanity will face the day with another 24 hours to call their own…to own and seize and relish and make theirs! I hope I can make them mine!

Advertisement