So I’ve decided while my hubby is away for the weekend to update my blog…the look, direction, everything! Stay tuned for more ramblings!
The latest…I am missing my family…having just gone through a tough season…I’m now back to work after being home with my boys for 8 years…wanting to continue to stay home, but knowing I can’t right now…praying and praying that God will bring me back home…loving that my relationship with my hubby of 18 years is stronger than ever…despite a rough financial patch…loving that I am finally memorizing scripture and actually enjoying it…trying to get myself back on track and moving forward in a positive direction…only time will tell for sure!
So I’m driving home with a pizza for dinner tonight and I look up at the moon and I start crying! Why you ask…well I have some theories…many too emotional to want to share here…but suffice to say the last 18 months have been the hardest financial and emotional time of my life! Nothing seems to make much sense anymore…from the economy to how fast my boys are growing up to where I want to live…life just seems so up in the air. I long for 5 little minutes of peace in this insane time…but it is nowhere to be found. I find darkness, despair, discouragement, loneliness and many other things…hope seems to elude me as well…one minute I have it and the next it is gone. And I feel like I truly missed First Grade for my boys. Things on the adult front have been so busy crazy and insane that I feel like First Grade came and went and now I have Second Graders and I’m wondering where the time really did go! Struggle as I might to make sense of this crazy life I see that I am now 40 and working on the “prime” years of my life…soon I will be on the downhill grade and my kids will be coming into their own…has it all been enjoyed? Have I wanted to many things, have I enjoyed my kids enough, have I done enough? What exactly is enough? Do you know I am a published author? Yeah…I figured no one knew. I walked 60 miles for breast cancer research. I have been to London and Paris. I took a company public and took another one through a major acquisition. I have written countless press releases and news articles making everyone else sound good. I make teddy bears and actually sold them on eBay! I have two beautiful healthy boys who are 7 years old. I have traveled for business and traveled for pleasure. I have spent time with family and missed them dearly. A life with no regrets is what someone once said to me…that’s how they live. How can you live with no regrets I ask myself…is this person better at living than I am or just makes decisions and doesn’t care about the outcome? I have a difficult time making decisions and am always afraid I’m making the wrong one. Deathly afraid. I long to be more like my husband who is following his dreams…sometimes with a devil-may-care attitude but he is doing it…and I feel like I have missed some things in my life by trying to always figure out the “safe path” and the “path of least resistance”! I feel like I have been too cautious and not taken enough risks…but then I look at the last 18 months and think…I have risked everything (absolutely everything) believing in his dreams and his work…isn’t that something? Right now nothing gives me more happiness than being a mom…doing fun things with my boys and enjoying time with them…fun projects, day trips and travel, playdates and park time…it’s the absolute best part of being a mom. Three years ago I lived just north of Los Angeles in a sleepy little town that was full of families and I met my girlfriend and her son in Malibu at the nicest park…we had so many special playdates at that park…and I find myself longing for those days…when school didn’t exist and our boys were really little and we pushed strollers and worried about simple things like snack foods and pull ups. Today I live in TN and my boys are embarking on Second Grade in the Fall with all that entails…and I sit here contemplating my life and wondering with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart…where the time went!? Where did my little life go? Was that a life? Was it what I wanted? Was it what I or my kids needed? Did it make us happy as a family? More importantly…am I always going to feel like the rug could be pulled out from under me at any given moment? Am I ever going to feel settled? Where is home? Some people say home is where your family is…others say home is where your heart us…another one I heard is that home is not where you live, but where you come alive! It’s time for sleep now and maybe I’ll be dreaming of the beach again or maybe I will figure all of this crazy life out in my dreams and I can wake up tomorrow knowing what is the next move…or maybe just maybe I will wake up with a renewed sense of purpose and feel truly hopeful in life again…either way the sun will rise tomorrow and all of humanity will face the day with another 24 hours to call their own…to own and seize and relish and make theirs! I hope I can make them mine!
So I’m sitting here at my computer with absolutely no voice…every time I try to talk I sound whispy and hoarse…so I’m just not bothering! I don’t think I’m sick and my throat doesn’t hurt…I think it might be bad allergies…clogged ears are going along with this too…no sneezing or itchy eyes or anything like that…although I do have a bit of a headache…super weird symptoms!
So my hubby says today is the second best day of his life…since I lost my voice yesterday…I guess that was the first! LOL! What can I say…I am gabby…as my son says…and I like it that way!
Huh! How the heck did that happen?
about life, work, kids, being 40 and being the adult has not turned out to be what it’s cracked up to be…I’m sure it’s just the economy getting to me…but is there anyone out there who feels like I do?
Ok…so here’s a question…why is it wrong to want to stay home and be the mommy? Does everyone feel that there is a certain “point” at which we should want to go back to work? Should we not want to volunteer in school, help the teachers, be there for our kids to help enhance their education? Am I supposed to come up with some new and exciting career to occupy the “next phase” of my life or can I just be the mom? Isn’t that enough?
Wrestling in my mind! Just curious if anyone out there feels the same?
So how come every day starts out with any number possibilities and also any equal number of disappointments at the same time? The older I get the more perplexed I am at life. It’s hard to explain…but I know everyone who has lived any good number of years can totally understand where I’m coming from! I have so many hopes and dreams…mostly for my kids now…how can I even think of any for myself when the “dailies” of life get in the way…work, housecleaning, meals, laundry, etc. when does one of a certain age have time to dream about their “future?” Isn’t our future already here? Do we have a future? If so where is it? How can we get there? What does it look like? Where has all the dreaming gone? Do we dare to dream anymore? Why? Is there still time to dream? It all sounds morbid I know and I’m truly sorry for that…I’m just trying to “think out loud” if you will. As kids we spent our days dreaming and playing and pretending. As adults we spend our days getting through our todo lists and do the mundane tasks of our jobs and the daily things of life. How many of us are still working toward our dreams? I know of maybe a handful of people who get to live their dreams every day. Others are still holding onto theirs trying to make them happen in their “spare time.” But at least they still dream. Others are content in the moment and don’t really think about it. And others are just going through the motions of life wondering what happened to their youth and how they can go back to a simpler and more imaginative and hopeful time.
And so here we sit…11 days into this New Year feeling a little like 2009 and hoping and praying it isn’t! How to make it better…that is the question. A long list of things that are more self pity and self deprication than anything else. I want so much for my kids and often wonder if I am doing them a disservice. How do you know? How much time is enough, energy, activities, sweets, work, play, education, time with mom and dad? How do you know if they are having a good childhood and if you are shielding them enough from your struggles as parents? Do we ever really know? How can we? So many questions, far more than answers. So many times we feel guilt when we should let it go. Blame only goes so far and then action, I think, must kick in! But what action? How do you know what the right thing to do ever really is? I guess it’s like we’ve always said…you put your head down, and work as hard as you can…whatever comes from that will come.
We have nothing to fear, but fear itself!
You ever have one of those months that makes you wonder if you are doing the right thing? Pursuing the right course of action? Just make progress in general? Yeah…that’s been mine…three steps forward and 10 back! I know I can’t give up and I have to move forward and every day I remind myself that there are so many people who have less than I do and are making it by and are happy! Sad but true…that I would have to remind myself of this…but I think we all have to remind ourselves of this at one point or another! And so here I sit…wondering and working and working and wondering and just basically pondering life…when I’m not working. But in the end…as my dear cousin says…It’s All Good!